On love at first sight #1

So THIS happened to me today.

The other day I fell in love at first sight.  It's happened a few times in my life.  And I know the feeling is so specific and so profound.  Like suddenly this person's face and presence magnifies above the entire room.  Like the way a movie camera spins around the couple.  And you know the only way this ends is heartbreak and devastation.

I used to think I knew what it meant:  I must pursue them and make them MINE.  But lately I'm trying to just notice feelings.  Just pay attention to them.  Let them be.  Part of the "wisdom to know the difference" (between changing the things I can or accepting the things I can't), part of that wisdom is knowing I don't have to act on each and every feeling.

God, that's so hard.

I fell in love with Bobby McCafferty on the first day of 2nd grade.  What did I, as a 7 year old, know about love?  Well, I watched a TON of General Hospital.  I had been watching since Bobbie Spencer was a hooker.  I knew Luke and Laura love.  If the person didn't love you, you MADE them love you.  And my big sister pursued boys with a fierceness of a toddler laying claim to her toys.  I picked up the other phone line to listen in on her (5th grade) talking to Jay Richardson (6th grade).  He was a cousin by marriage so this caused a minor soap opera scandal in our family.  I was a spy and voyeur at an early age.  So, I knew Love.

I think about that first day of 2nd grade and what I remember is how no one wanted to sit next to me.  We only had two classes in each grade which meant 50% of the kids from last year remembered I was a trouble maker at my desk so stay away.  The other 50% had been warned.  But he came running in last and took the only available seat.  Beside me. The obsession did not let up until he left for some Christian private school in junior high.

Poor Bobby McCafferty.  He had no idea what force of nature entered his life that day.  I fine-tuned my stalking abilities over the next 5 years.  How to arrange myself in the countdown in gym so we were on the same team.  How to keep other kids away from my bus seat so by the time he got on, his only option was beside me.  How I threatened to destroy any girl who casually mentioned they thought he was cute.  I called him relentlessly.  Just to talk.  In third grade.  I am a prolific writer today because I HAD to write about my feelings for him and pass him notes all day.  I am a fantastic roller skater because he was a great roller skater and I had to keep up.  My relationship with him mostly existed in my mind but sometimes we were "going together" and then summer would come.  I planned our first kiss at the skating rink in 6th grade and when he didn't show up that night (his mom couldn't drive him), I kissed Greg Ireland instead.  Out of spite.  When Bobby found out the next day, it was OVER.  For real this time. Heartbreak and devastation.

The 2nd time I fell in love at first sight, I was 21.  Again with the room spinning.  I even remember thinking, THIS is just how I felt on the first day of 2nd grade.  Lynette Molnar.  Someone introduced us very quickly in a dance club.  I shrugged.  I was an addict at this point and really good at stuffing my feelings down.  I walked away.  To another club.  But something compelled me back to look for her.  To TALK to her at least one more time.  I had been telling all my friends about how "I really don't want a relationship right now" and by the next day she was all I was talking about.  For the next six months, everywhere I went, I was looking for her until I finally ran into her.  I willed our affair.  It did not turn out the way I planned.  It was over quickly.  My will got in my way.  I never stopped thinking about her though.  More heartbreak and devastation.

That moment when every song lyric on the radio suddenly makes sense.  Especially:  If I can't have you, I don't want nobody, baby.

What is the love at first sight feeling?  Some people believe it's soul mate stuff.  Past life recognition.  When I saw her today, everything stopped.  I have big plans for the day:  feeding, driving, meeting, listening, writing, cleaning, playing outside.  This is not on my agenda.  But everything stopped.  All I needed was her profile and I knew.  And as soon as I knew, I took a deep breath and tried to do that Pema Chodra thing of noticing my feelings, paying attention, learning.  What happened to me on the first day of 2nd grade?

I looked around the room.  There were about 50 other people, what was it about this one person?  I considered mere physical attraction and started sizing up the others in the room and who I also found attractive but they were NOT making me feel this.  I noticed the pattern from Bobby to Lynette to the few others:  curly hair.  Is that really all it takes?  No, there are so many people in this world with curly hair.  Style.  There is a definite style about each person.  It's never the same, but they all have style.   And their style always belongs to them, never pretentious or planned. Which is weird because I have no style.  Are we just looking in the other person for something we don't have in ourselves?  But want?

I would like to tell you that I didn't act.  That I decided to sit still with my feelings.  But I am not there yet.  I just couldn't stay in my chair.  I became a third grader, angling my position in the room to be closer.  Judging by the room, I'm 75% certain she is crazy (like me).  From her perfectly painted toenails on this first day of warm, I'm 85% sure she is straight.  And I am 100% sure I do not need a girlfriend in my life right now.

"But I won't lose no sleep on that
'Cause I've got a plan"

Even though I already know how this story ends.