Recently I had something strange happen: I got a “notification” for my Timeline that “needs review.” A relative of my First Wife sent me a "request" to "add" myself to their "list of family members" on their FB page. Like, last week. 2.5 years after divorce settlement. I have to "approve this post" for my Timeline. Or I can click “dismiss” and it will go away. And if I click "approve," then I have to choose from a list of titles for this relative.
When the notification first appeared, I thought: Surely this is a glitch in The Matrix; the request MUST have been sent three years ago and only now somehow made it through.
My next thought was more optimistic: Maybe this person has been reading my writings about Loss and Regret and now wants to send me a message that I am still loved and accepted.
My next thought was more optimistic: Maybe this person has been reading my writings about Loss and Regret and now wants to send me a message that I am still loved and accepted.
This is Very Optimistic.
I immediately called a friend, What the heck am I supposed to do? Approve? Click Whatever-in-law? Send them a message asking WTH? Ignore it? Pretend I never saw it? She told me before I do anything, I might want to write about it.
In Law. I was once at a party at my inlaw’s house and there was this rabbi-type friend of the family who kept telling me I should call Sam and Gigi my Not-In-Laws. Because my marriage is not recognized within the confines of the actual law. He repeated his “joke.” I guess since I didn't display the proper amount of amusement, he thought I didn’t get it. I got it. I was not amused. I still fail to see how existing outside the boundaries of societal law is amusing in any context.
Mother-in-law. Father-in-law. Sister-in-law. Brother-in-law. Their love and their demonstrations of love for our little gay family made it easy to simply let go of the “in-law” part anyways. They were my mother, father, sister, brother. Does the distance in time and space during two point five years negate the relationship of family of eleven years?
When I was eleven, a wonderful, loving aunt divorced my father's brother. Her departure and their custody battle erased her from my family. She was ripped from the photo albums. My mother instructed me to pretend I did not know her if I ran into her at the mall. (Shunning at the mall = worst revenge ever) But FB brought her back to me and I don’t care what anyone says, she will always be my Aunt Patty. The fact that I walked directly in her shoes as an adult magnifies my loss as a child. Why did I have to let her go? Why did I have to lose out on an extremely meaningful relationship throughout my teens? I spent a lot of time so worried over my uncle and my cousin, I did not even recognize my own loss. I bet I really could have leaned on my Aunt Patty during the years when I struggled with my self-acceptance. She was a hippie who made a lot of mistakes and I don’t care what anybody says - we need those people in our lives. But, “everything happens for a reason,” so I am grateful she is here today, inspiring me to (self) forgiveness and understanding. Still. I hate that separation rips everyone apart and not just the two stupid people getting the divorce.
Needs Review. FB reminds me. I find I am just leaving the request there. So I can visit it from time to time. Keep it for myself. I am an adopted child and people always ask me, Why don’t you try to find your biological mother, aren’t you curious? The answer is obvious to me: I cannot handle being rejected a second time. If I click “approve” and the person on the other side of FB Land realizes their error and then erases the post, I’m pretty sure it will trigger all those adopted child, rejected child feelings. So I keep it. I know it’s not the real world but at least in some alternative, parallel Facebook Universe, she is still my Aunt Patty and I am still her niece. And he is still my Father (not-in-law).
I immediately called a friend, What the heck am I supposed to do? Approve? Click Whatever-in-law? Send them a message asking WTH? Ignore it? Pretend I never saw it? She told me before I do anything, I might want to write about it.
In Law. I was once at a party at my inlaw’s house and there was this rabbi-type friend of the family who kept telling me I should call Sam and Gigi my Not-In-Laws. Because my marriage is not recognized within the confines of the actual law. He repeated his “joke.” I guess since I didn't display the proper amount of amusement, he thought I didn’t get it. I got it. I was not amused. I still fail to see how existing outside the boundaries of societal law is amusing in any context.
Mother-in-law. Father-in-law. Sister-in-law. Brother-in-law. Their love and their demonstrations of love for our little gay family made it easy to simply let go of the “in-law” part anyways. They were my mother, father, sister, brother. Does the distance in time and space during two point five years negate the relationship of family of eleven years?
When I was eleven, a wonderful, loving aunt divorced my father's brother. Her departure and their custody battle erased her from my family. She was ripped from the photo albums. My mother instructed me to pretend I did not know her if I ran into her at the mall. (Shunning at the mall = worst revenge ever) But FB brought her back to me and I don’t care what anyone says, she will always be my Aunt Patty. The fact that I walked directly in her shoes as an adult magnifies my loss as a child. Why did I have to let her go? Why did I have to lose out on an extremely meaningful relationship throughout my teens? I spent a lot of time so worried over my uncle and my cousin, I did not even recognize my own loss. I bet I really could have leaned on my Aunt Patty during the years when I struggled with my self-acceptance. She was a hippie who made a lot of mistakes and I don’t care what anybody says - we need those people in our lives. But, “everything happens for a reason,” so I am grateful she is here today, inspiring me to (self) forgiveness and understanding. Still. I hate that separation rips everyone apart and not just the two stupid people getting the divorce.
Needs Review. FB reminds me. I find I am just leaving the request there. So I can visit it from time to time. Keep it for myself. I am an adopted child and people always ask me, Why don’t you try to find your biological mother, aren’t you curious? The answer is obvious to me: I cannot handle being rejected a second time. If I click “approve” and the person on the other side of FB Land realizes their error and then erases the post, I’m pretty sure it will trigger all those adopted child, rejected child feelings. So I keep it. I know it’s not the real world but at least in some alternative, parallel Facebook Universe, she is still my Aunt Patty and I am still her niece. And he is still my Father (not-in-law).
It's hard. My father-in-law and his wife were my in-laws, no matter how hard I tried to be part of their world. I made them part of mine, and over the 25 year marriage gave my kids a taste of this family that they never would have had without my presence. When I left my husband they never spoke to me again. And yet I understand your feelings--yours never changed. For what it's worth, I recommend adding her and calling her Aunt Patty. That's who she is!
ReplyDeleteI do have my Aunt Patty in my life and in my FB. I'm sorry if the writing was confusing. The separation of the couple results in the separation of an entire family. I wish it wasn't so. The consequences, they just keep on coming.
DeleteI've never experienced this so I have no idea what I would do. I think you've got a good handle on it. Good for you for having aunt Patty on there, too.
ReplyDelete