Stolen Cell Phone, Part 1

I parked my car on the street that night because there was too much snow and ice in my driveway.  When I got inside, I tossed my keys into the key spot and felt for my cell but realized I must have left it in the little notch in my driver's side door.  The cell phone spot.  But the shenigans with my four kids started and I decided to get it after I put them to bed.

"It's time for Bedtime Business," I announced.  Right away the meltdown.  We had just ended a three hour drive from Pittsburgh where we spent three days at my sister's house for Christmas celebrations, several hours of Minecraft with cousin Tyler, no protein, lots of sugar, a snow storm, and No Ema.  Their Other Mom.  Who I divorced four years ago just as we were about to cross the finish line of raising triplets (who are not really triplets) heading into kindergarten.  We do a kind of Shared Parenting which involves the kids seeing both of us every day (their choice) and her doing Jewish High Holidays and me doing Christmas With Cousin Tyler.

Scarlett always gets right down to business.  Even though she's only 8, I'm pretty sure she could maintain her own apartment and find gainful employment.  I told Georgia ten times PLEASE get your pajamas on.  Zeke was figuring out how to hang from the inside of the stairwell.  Stella, the oldest who survived the onslaught of three babies ruining her perfect existence with Mama and Ema, decided to force me down on the floor at the top of the stairs, sat on my lap, and started wailing, "I MISS EMA!!!!!!" And more sobbing.

I'm holding her.  I'm consoling her.  "I know, honey, it's been four days since you last saw Ema" while "GEORGIA, why are you still wearing your clothes?" and "I get it, it's really hard to live without us I really wish you didn't have to" and "ZEKE, please get down from there you are not a cat" to "I miss her too" trying to make her laugh "Just imagine what it's like for me, you haven't talked to her for three days, I haven't really gotten to talk to her for three years" and Stella starts to giggle when Scarlett comes flying around the corner with "I bet we wouldn't have to live in different houses and you and Ema would still be together if Amy hadn't come along."

ok.  You know that moment in the movie when all the stuff is flying around in a hurricane or hail of bullets and action and everything feels like it comes to a complete stop but still goes in slow motion?  That.

Up until then I handled everything flying at me (except maybe the cell phone left out in the car) and just as we neared my breaking point, the exact moment when I needed to be my most grown up self, the mature and controlled one of the bunch came up with surest way to make me lose it.  They all stopped.  They all knew.  They all waited to see how I was going to react.

I held up my finger and said, "Scarlett, .....(and in my head a thousand voices roared forth with I TOLD YOU SO to Eva because I did tell her not to replace me so quickly and when Amy started spending the night a few weeks after we informed them of divorce, I TOLD YOU SO, and how hard is it for me to disabuse them of the notion that It's All Amy's Fault because oh my lord I don't want them to ever know how awful I behaved at the end of our marriage how I had another girlfriend too I just didn't bring her around but I can't hide the truth I can't lie even though sometimes I believe exactly what she just said I believe if only people had waited until we were really done and even though everything probably would have turned out divorce and broken we'll never know because we were both under duress and anyone who moves in on a marriage under duress is a selfish asshole in my book especially when I look into the eyes of our children and it's frustrating to accept that what happened is exactly what's supposed to happen but if only).....Scarlett, there is a lot more to this story you don't know, honey, and some day Ema and I will be able to explain everything to you but right now we have to get ready for bed."

From there everything went into a rush to bed.  I had the one eye brow permanently raised.  They knew not to mess around anymore.  Shove to bed.  No story.  Kiss.  Slam the door.  Repeat three times.  And then I stopped in the hallway.  Counted to ten.  Took a deep breath.  This is how you deal with having 4 children.  You have to get yourself alone, count to ten, take deep breaths.  And then.  Open the doors again, sit down in the hallway so they can all hear, and announce, "The Hobbit, Chapter Ten."

You may be exhausted.  You may be on your very last nerve.  It may be all their fault that things are such a mess.  But you are not allowed to stop parenting.

After another hour of story time, I finally closed each door.  I wanted to text Eva we made it home safely from Pittsburgh but when I got to the car, my cell was gone.  Stolen.

Fired #1

I got fired from my first job. Dairy Queen. It was the year the daughter-in-law took over. My next door neighbor. A former stay-at-home mom. She invited me to work weekends during the day. She said I could ride with her. We set up together and then she left for a few hours. I don't know where she went. Occasionally some guy waited for her on the bench in the back. They sat together outside for a few hours while I ran the place. Sometimes they left. She told me I could eat whatever I wanted. At first, it was exciting to eat my favorite items: The Peanut Buster Parfait or a vanilla chocolate twist covered with crunchies. But that got boring. I tried some of the stuff I never bought at Dairy Queen. Like the Dilly Bars or the malts. I had never in my life had malt. It was weird. By the middle of the summer, I moved onto serious experimentation. What happens when you make a chocolate milkshake but use half soda water? (Not good) And more experimentation with malt. (More not good) This was the year they introduced The Blizzard, so you can imagine my free-for-all. It rained a lot that summer so I had plenty of quiet moments to have fun with ice cream and candy. Then one day the mother-in-law showed up. Told me my services were no longer needed. Told me every time she dropped by, she noticed I was always eating something. This was true. I had no defense. I literally got fired from Dairy Queen for eating too much. A few days later, the daughter-in-law called me and said I could have my job back. When we drove in together, she explained that SHE was supposed to be in charge this summer and the-mother-in-law had no right to fire me, that they discussed it, and that part of the agreement of her taking over the family business was she got to have some free time for herself. (I don't remember who was taking care of the baby at this point.) She asked me to keep a look out for the mother-in-law and call her if she appeared. Oh, and maybe try not eating anything when I saw her pull up. It quit raining all the time so I got really busy and didn't have so much time to experiment anymore. A few years later, when I was at college, my mom called to tell me the next door neighbors are getting a divorce and that the wife just up and left for another man and what a huge surprise it was to everyone. I wasn't surprised.